www.inkthinkerblog.com — by Devon Ellington
Writers are in a unique position. Not only do most civilians think they can write (but have dozens of excuses why they don’t), they think their ideas are better than ours. They think we should get down on your hands and knees, kissing their feet in bliss when they tell us what we “should” write. Sometimes they even sweeten the pot by offering us a small percentage of the profits after we’ve done all the writing, editing, marketing and other work involved with getting a piece from concept to publication. Would the same conversation happen with a brain surgeon or an astro-physicist? I think not!
Am I bitter? It’s impatience. I face the page every day, no matter what else is going on in my life. I work in a variety of genres, and I juggle more deadlines in a week than a typical office worker does in a quarter. I research, I interview, and, most importantly, I create. Sometimes it looks like I’m staring at nothing for hours at a time, but I’m actually working. So when someone who thinks half-time entertainment is high art tells me what I “should” write, I resent it.
The only time I want to hear the words “You should write” is if it’s coming out of the mouth of an editor, publisher or packager who’ll back it up with a contract for a paid assignment. You want me to write for your successful series? Not a problem. I’m there. But I’m tired of non-writers trying to get me to do their work for them, especially for free. Ninety percent of the time, people who tell you what to write think they can write, but can’t be bothered to do the work. They want the glory (glory? Right there you know you’re dealing with a non-writer) without the effort.
Instead of tossing the offender through the nearest plate glass window (which gets messy and causes insurance problems), I’ve crafted a few pleasant, persuasive and professional responses to get out of the situation gracefully. It took several years of trial and error, and plenty of drinks flung at offenders, but now I have the patter down, and it works. “You should write . . .” begins the spiel. Or “I have a great story. You should use it sometime. . .” and off the person launches into a long, twisted anecdote guaranteed to drive the meanest of Hell’s minions back downstairs out of sheer boredom.
“No, you should write it,” I reply, keeping the tone pleasant and sincere. “Obviously, you’re passionate about it. And that’s one of the most important elements in good writing.”
“Oh, I can’t write,” the person says immediately. “I mean, I’m sure I could, but I don’t have time. Hey! Why don’t you write it and we’ll do a split of the profits? You could get, like, thirty percent.”
“My schedule’s pretty tight right now,” I respond. “But give me your information and I’ll send you a standard contract along with my hourly rate.” When he asks for the rate, I quote it. Or, if the person is particularly annoying, I up it by at least 20%. The offender usually starts hyperventilating.
I hand him a brown bag, and hopefully he shuts up. However, if he doesn’t, and the pressure tactics start, I refer him to my lawyer for negotiations. Then I go into the bathroom and call the lawyer to warn him, instructing him not to agree for less than three times my normal rate. Pressure tactics may include a detailed list of how this is an opportunity I can’t afford to miss (although there’s no money up front or anywhere in the foreseeable future), and I should be grateful he chose me to work for nothing.
At that point, I smile and say, “This is my business, not my hobby. Would you expect a contractor to build your house or a mechanic to repair your car on spec?” And, while he makes fish faces trying to come up with an appropriate response, I walk away.
Devon Ellington writes daily at Ink in My Coffee, and you can find her work under half a dozen names in at least as many genres.
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Hysterical! And so true. What I hate most is talking with interview subjects who try at the beginning of the interview to change my focus. Uh, dude. I’m hired to write THIS, not THAT. I had one guy brazen enough to totally ignore my questions and “educate” me on what I should be talking about instead. After about five minutes and several attempts to get him back on track, I thanked him for his time and excused myself from the call. And he was upset that his quotes weren’t used – go figure!
Sometimes though, suggestions are welcome from interview subjects. I’m always open to new ideas, but if it’s clearly not helpful to me, I’ll thank the person offering and tell them I have to run it by the editor first. Usually stops them.
In my more active screenwriting days (er, years, 15 of them), people would often say, “You should write about me, my life could be a movie.” I can’t tell you how often I would say, “Just having a lot of weird stuff happen to you doesn’t make a movie.”
LOL, so true, so true.
Lori, I told you about the crazy guy who called me at like 7 a.m. on a Saturday and kept calling me “little sister” while trying to convince me that his story of crack cocaine, professional boxing, bullets, and Jaaaayyyyyy-zussssssss would be a best-seller, right? Yikes.
I’d forgotten how angry this topic makes me until I re-read this! ;)
I am at the take-no-prisoners point with this particular topic, though.
Devon Ellington’s last blog post..Slowly Returning to the World of the Living
I always have to try not to get angry every time my grandmother insists on what I should write. I keep telling I don’t want to write anything like that, but she insists it will sell. “But I can’t write that trash,” I say. “It doesn’t have to be trash,” she tells me. “But if I don’t enjoy it, I won’t write anything worthwhile.” I usually try to end it there by walking into another room.
china-matt’s last blog post..Driving On
My favorite is, I’m on the table, the radiologist is shoving a large needle into the side of my breast to do a biopsy, and he starts on one of those “You should write…” kicks. I’m thinking, ‘Are you *kidding* me???’
Great post, Devon.
Believe it or not I’ve actually had a couple of people give me their story ideas. I just smile politely and tell them I’ll think about it.
;-)
I’ve had this happen to me before. “You should write a book about bad dates.” And when asked why, the person says that SHE’S had a lot of bad dates and could relate. And that it should be non-fiction. No, I write fiction, thankyouverymuch.
It is annoying.
Great post! :)
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7 am? On a Saturday? And you let him live?
You’re a stronger woman than I am, girl. LOL
I don’t get this anymore – and for that I’m glad! I usually just tell them I don’t want to – but I’ll say it nicely like “I don’t work with other people when writing” or “That isn’t a genre I work in” or “That’s not my specialty at the moment” or “I have a lot to do and am not taking on any new projects”.
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I find quoting an hourly rate shuts people up pretty quickly. :-)
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I have a dear friend who has approached me–twice–with books that he wants to write “together”. By together, of course, he means that he’ll give me the plot and I’ll do the work. The first was a sentimental memoir; the second, sci-fi. The first I actually tried to reason with him about, but the second–I’m so sorry–I told him my husband was actually much better in that genre and he should really talk to him about it. Then I bought my husband some apology beer.