Katharine Swan tagged me for a fun anti-blogging meme. Here’s my blogging advice guaranteed to make readers hate you and your blog.
- Use lots of cool online abbreviations. Bc when u wrt lk ths IDK WTF ur tklng abt if im nt rly awsm lk u LOL. (Translation: Because when you write like this I don’t know what the [expletive deleted] you’re talking about if I’m not really awesome like you, LOL.)
- Avoid correct punctuation, spelling and capitalization. because hey it’s just a blog and its nto like anyone like clients or readers or anyone sele important might see it and think your an idiot you dont need to worry about stuff like that becuase they know your really smart anywayt and its just because your typing on a blog and its not really paying work.
- Inject sweeping racial/religious/political beliefs into every post. Make a point of using vast generalizations to characterize leaders of other racial/religious/political groups. Insert slurs and offensive slang into your writing whenever possible. Make your blog your platform.
- Post lengthy rants about complicated situations that you don’t actually explain. Leave out the details and pitch an utterly baffling hissy fit that makes no sense to anyone but you because you’re too cheap to shell out money for the therapy you so desperately need. Also follow Nos. 1-3. And I’m not talking about doing what Writing Frump does or something like the Ivan situation where you get all the details except the names. I’m talking about a 3000-word diatribe about a guy with a face who says a thing about a thing and where does he get OFF?
- Steal content from other bloggers. Take entire posts. Don’t link back to the original bloggers. When someone calls you out on it, get mad at them and bash them publicly on your blog. Do the same for copyrighted images.
- Eviscerate commenters who disagree with you. Call them mean names. Question their sexuality. Bust out your best material from No. 3.
- Add new material only sporadically. Don’t post for months at a time. Do so consistently.
- Give too much personal information. About your sex life, your marriage, your constipation, that boil on your thigh, your relationship with your estranged cousin, whatever. Make people uncomfortable, particularly people who know you in real life.
- Use your blog as a place to air your grievances against other bloggers. Treat it like the sixth grade lunch room as much as possible.